According to the South Africa’s Human Sciences Research Council’s (HSRC) National Gender-Based Violence (GBV) study published in 2024, 80% men aged between 18 – 24 years accept controlling behaviour in relationships, raising concern about how early signs of abuse often go unnoticed.
GBV activist and ‘I survived and never got justice’ founder, Norma Mbhele believes that people often see control as a form of love, however she says it is normally the beginning of something harmful, saying that many people only come to realise that it is abuse only when it gets physical.
“At first people think, because he loves me, he wants to protect me,” says Mbhele.
Mbhele says one of the biggest issues is that most fail to identify these behaviours as abuse in the early stages.
“Now when you now realise that a person is actually controlling your life, and it becomes physical, it’s only you see that it’s actually not love but a person controlling you.”
She adds that it doesn’t just stop at physical harm but that a person controlling another can take over their finances, who they build friendships with, who they talk to as well as their whereabouts.
Based on her experience as an activist working on the ground with survivors, she says the implications of controlling behaviour can continue even after a relationship ends.
“Even after separation, the control doesn’t always stop. Survivors tell us they were still being monitored and controlled even after the relationship ended.”
She adds that these behaviours can start at a very young age, especially, in young boys, stressing that boys are raised to take the lead. “We are raised that way, boys can take their own decisions, can keep their things but as a girl child you will be told ‘No’.”
Mbhele stresses that it is important for families to educate and empower the girl child about the early signs some men use to control women.
Similarly, the HSRC study reported that 54.8% of women who are located in urban areas faced controlling traits from their intimate partners.
